How Being a Control Freak Helps Me Stay Sane

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been my usual bloggy-self as of late.

Although I'm not ready to spill details, not sure I ever will, the last few weeks I feel like some force has been messing with my happy little life. There is a lot going on personally, professionally and almost all of it is entirely out of my control.

And that's completely pissing me off.

My husband has remarked in the sweetest way he can that I've been going a little crazy lately. I go from one thing to the next - I talk about moving (again), should we buy a new sofa, should we wallpaper a wall or hang art, what should we do for my birthday (the big 4-0), what should we do for Archer's birthday (the big 0-3), should we start gardening (how nice is this weather btw?!?), does he like my hair with our without bangs. If I were him, I would have totally divorced me by now.

But today I had a bit of an epiphany about it all (trying hard not to use the term "a-ha moment" - but really that's what it is, damn you Oprah). My craziness is my inadvertent attempt to gain some control over my life which is not so much in my control right now. My other revelation today though was that this uber-planning is actually a really good survival mechanism in times when life feels a bit out of control. Control what I can control, and let those bigger forces at work do their thing.

Only problem is, all my current attempts at planning are super expensive (like $2000 pieces of art, glamorous 40th birthday parties, surprise Justin Bieber appearances at Archer's birthday, rare tropical plantings in the garden...).

But really when I look back at this blog, one of the things I really enjoyed during my mat leave with Archer was planning a bunch of little things - like what I was going to do each day - even if it was a walk around the park, or what we were going to eat every night, what I'd like to wear. They are little things that barring a sleepless night or sick toddler, I can count on. Lately, though, I've forgot about this winning formula and I let a bunch of things out of my control dominate my headspace.

No more. Tonight I've made a meal plan for the week (Brie/mango quesadillas, apple pork chops, homemade pizza, an arugula pesto pasta and a night of sushi take-out) and I'm working on an activity plan which I hope will include a visit with a close friend, a walk around High Park on one of these gorgeous days and a baby-mommy yoga class.

And I have to tell you that as soon as I started making these lists, I started to relax a little... actually a lot. Will it last? Can it help me overcome the "big" stuff? Time will tell... but this seems like a good plan for now. If it doesn't, I'm going back to planning the biggest, most expensive, double birthday celebration you've ever seen.

And you'll all be invited. I promise. :)